An excerpt from our first book.

“See Phyllis play with Dick.  See Dick throw, see Phyllis catch.  Someone hit a foul ball!  See Dick grab, see Phyllis snatch!  See Dick shoot, see Phyllis distract.  See Dick scratch, see Phyllis laugh.  See Dick spar, see Phyllis box.”

So far we’re getting great reviews!  And with more coming in the series, your child can get older and still advance their reading.  So, come see Phyllis age and see Dick grow!

I have a friend, who I hadn’t seen in years.  The last time I bumped in to him, while catching up, he told me how he had a tumor removed from his brain…..his BRAIN!  WTF?!  Anyways, to condense as much as possible for the sake of your reaching the end of this blog, he was getting horrible headaches.  He went to multiple doctors who all told him that they thought it was an ear infection, which he knew it wasn’t.  It got so bad, that the last specialist they sent him to got, pun intended (unfortunately), an earful.  He got up during his exam, told the doctor colorfully what he thought of his intelligence, stormed off and had a semi mental breakdown in his car.  His doctor called him and told him to go to the ER.  That’s when they found the tumor, the golf ball sized tumor.

The tumor was removed through some crazy process that took 20 minutes to explain.  When he came out of it he was lacking certain, rudimentary skills.  Like, basic math, the ability to make decisions, and some motor skills as well.  He told me how at times he didn’t know if he would ever be the same.  How a question as simple as “water or juice?” would take him 30 minutes to answer.

I believe that who we are is a direct result of our life experiences.  I believe that human nature is to go with what works, unless forced otherwise.  Even people who are fickle, are predictably fickle.  People don’t change, unless they have a life experience.  My friend is changed.  I told him I envy him.  Not that I’d look forward to going through something like that, but coming out of it, he gained much more than he lost.  What is life besides perception?  He appreciates things now.  Things that you and me will probably never appreciate.  He’s happier now, because he has so many more thing to be happy about.  His perception has a focus that sees the little things most of us miss.

The inspiration for this blog is a friend who recently told me of her bad news, to which I offered her some wisdumb.  But, the wisdumb didn’t seem like enough.  I’m not a wordsmith, but hopefully I get a B for effort, a D for composition, and a C overall.  Just know, that even though I can’t compose heart lifting…uh…compositions, I can pray, and my God doesn’t care how I say it.  Things WILL be better on the other side of the focus.  Good luck through the tribulations and sincerely, if there’s anything I can do, just ask.

Her Peas is specially formulated for you.  We packed Her Peas with essential fatty acids and vitamin E, which have been proven to reduce symptoms of PMS.  Test subjects have shown improvement within weeks of starting a regular helping of Her Peas.  Her Peas is our first product in our Stress Transfer Diet line, or STD for short.  Coming soon to our STD line, an exercise regimen we’ve tentatively named “The Clap,” and a comedic look at your monthly rampages by Comedian Phyllis Yeest entitled “Silly Phyllis.”

Jenn from Los Angeles:  ”I love having Her Peas.  I don’t know what I would do without Her Peas, I simply can’t get rid of it!”

For Jenn, et al., contact was the first step to acquiring an STD!  And ladies, not to worry, all interactions with Professionally Poor are confidential.  So, set up your private consultation today with one of our Wonderfully Happy Operators, Receptionists, Etc., or WHOREs, today.  Remember, your private contact with one of our WHOREs is your first step to getting Her Peas!

Rear ended?  Gassed to bypass only to run into blockage?  What ever the case, if your car is wrecked, we can tow it.  We tow any type of vehicle, even trains!  Is your coal-in choo choo not chugging?  No worries, we can clear your caboose’s track.

Not sure if your car is a total loss?  We can send someone to assess your vehicle, for no charge!  Just ask for your free Wreck Tow exam.  Strapped for cash?  We tow anywhere within six miles for free, it’s our “a no six” policy!

Just remember our slogan, “You wrecked um, and we’re Wreck Tow!”

I read that you have a job opening for Boyfriend.  I wish to apply for this position.  I have enclosed a brief list of qualifications, special skills, and contact information.

Qualifications:

I have a functioning brain.  I have a job.   I am anatomically correct.  I don’t have any unseemly scars, moles, or other ooky things.  I can make you laugh.  I’m not missing any teeth.  I have enclosed a photo of myself with no shirt, looking in a mirror, taken with my cellphone.

Special Skills:

I have developed adequate skills in treating you like you’re the princess, when she was a frog.  I have enough flaws for you to always have hope that you can change me into the man you wish I was.  I own a Playstation, so I can semi-ignore you while you’re relaying “important” information.  I’m manically jealous.  My memory for special events, like birthdays, is horrible.

Contact Information:

Cellphone:  xxx-xxx-xxxx

Email:  MMAYOURFACE@Yahoo.com

P.S.

If hired, I would need two weeks before I could start, as I am currently in a relationship.

Girl A is going to be playing the part of herself in this story.  So, Girl A asks me if I want to try this lychee type fruit.  Said fruit is a little larger than a lychee, with soft grayish skin.  At this point I feel a tangent is needed.  I am an extremely picky eater, and as a rule I don’t eat most veggies or fruits.  Back to blog in three……two…..one, liftoff.  When offered this mutated lychee, I politely decline.  I then ask Girl A what it tastes like.    Girl A proceeds to tell me that it tastes like lychee and flowers.  Wait what?!  Yes.  Lychee and flowers.  I find the use of flowers as a taste description to be thoroughly absurd…..so absurd that I decided to try this mutated lychee.

As I spit out my gum, Girl A confides in me, “you know what my husband says these smell like?”

Uhoh.

Girl A half whispers, “cum.”

Wait WTF?!

Girl A then tells me, “smell it.”  Which, for some retarded reason, I do.  Her husband is right.  They don’t smell exactly alike, but after pointed out, they’re definitely cousins or something.

At this point, I tell Girl A that I’ve decided not to try her mutated lychee anymore.  I don’t feel comfortable putting a ball that smells like semen in my mouth.  BARF!  Girl A then tells her friend to smell the mutated lychee in her hand, cause it totally smells like cum.  Me:  ”Did you just tell her to smell your finger?!”

Girl A proceeds to ask 3-4 more of her friends to smell her abomination fruit, all the while popping one after another into her mouth.  No one else decides to partake.

Can I be disgusting and say that this is the climax of my story?  So, I tell Girl A, “you know, you’re enjoying those a little too much……you know what you should do?  Peel the skin off a few, throw them into a blender and drink them like a shake.”

LOLIRL!  BARF!

First he told me, “If you were gonna be an Olympic athlete I would say maybe go to a specialist for your shoulder and possibly get surgery.”  Thanks for the vote of confidence doc.  Second he told me, “you have tendinitis in your achilles.  It’ll most likely go away.  Rest it.  No running, hiking, tennis, etc……..yeah sorry, all the things you love to do.”  At this point he paused.  I guess he’s bulimic and can read minds, or my face gave it away.  After maybe 2 seconds, he said “well, at LEAST wear less flats……like those slippers you’re wearing right now!”  Hahahahahahahahahhaahahaha!!!!!

Explainer:  It rhymed…so sue me.  This blog is going to connect two completely separate parts of my life.  There’s gonna be some fluff that you have to read through, because it explains the part of the blog that is connected to the title of the blog.  Enjoy.

I have a friend, who I’ll nickname Alterer of Fancy Clothes or AoFC for this blog.  AoFC is one of those nice guys.  He does nice things for people.  Doing nice things for people earns you Karma Points.  Spending of these Karma Points is a mystery to me, as I have no clue where the ones I earned are going.

Anyways, I noticed one day that AoFC ALWAYS gets the greatest parking stalls.  EVERY TIME we go somewhere, he parks right in the front of the crowded arse parking lot.  And then, like Divine Inspiration, a little floating lightbulb above my head turned on (CFL of course).  Taylor, oh shit, I mean AoFC! is using his Karma Points for parking.  Not what I would use them for, but hey, whatever floats your boat…or parks your big ass truck, you know, whichever saying you’d rather use.  Actually, maybe AoFC could use both, cause every time I’ve gone out on the boat, we’ve gotten it right in the water….WTF?!  I need to segway soon.  In one, two, three.  Go for segway.

This rolls seamlessly into the next part of my blog.  I was chatting with a friend on FB…..through my status…..because we, for some definitely good, albeit unknown, reason, don’t chat through FB, text, or AIM…..or any other form of easier, faster communication.  Someone teach me to grammar, that was a lot of commas.  So, my friend, who I’ll call Jesse Rivas because I have not been able, up until this point, to come up with something to not so cleverly mask his name, is an atheist.  Holy Jeebus!  This, is, turning, into, a, grammatical, and , Englisherial nightmare!  Haha tangent…my focus needs more focus.  Also, as a side note, I’m also using the name Jesse Rivas, because when this blog comes true, I would like it documented that it was prophesied here.

Jesse Rivas and I were talking about religion and God and Atheism.  HEY!  You pulled a religious type thing Jesse Rivas!  You tried to recruit me!  That has GOT to be against the rules, or the atheist code or something!  Matthew 18:21-22, forgive me for my tangents…..hahaha.  Anyways, JR (formerly Jesse Rivas) is an instigator.  Not like the ones with rows of sharp teeth and whose skin gets turned into shoes, but the kind that stir things up.  One of JR’s favorite tools of instigation is religion.  Debating religious types about the lack of logical proof to their beliefs is one of JR’s hobbies.  This created another CFL synapse.

What if I ask the Heavens if my Karma Points can be spent on making JR the object of Divine Intervention?  Yes, I think I will.  I hereby spend my currently accumulated Karma Points on a miracle of epic proportions that will turn the atheist JR into a prophet for a faith based religion.  Like a real prophet, one that preforms miracles and brings on plagues and all those prophetic duties.  You heard it hear (haha) first, JR is the new Moses.

It’s not that I don’t believe in modern medicine.  It’s not that I don’t appreciate it either.  But, throughout my life, I’ve always avoided it like the…um…plague?  That’s almost a pun.  It’s like a poor person’s pun…hahahaha!!  Tangent alert.  Ok, I’m back.  Explanation on why I don’t visit my doctor/dentist as often as I should?  None.  I don’t really know.   Things always fix themselves….walk it off….that type of thing.

So, a few years back, I was throwing football with a friend.  We didn’t really warm up or stretch.  The next day my shoulder was disobeying my orders to act normally and desist hurting like the dickens.  From that point on, I could not throw anything overhand or serve a tennis ball without my joint feeling like it was catching, then popping back to normal.  The pain this caused was excruciating.  So, I avoided doing anything of the sort as much as possible.  Sometimes you can’t, because you’re a fat jesus retard and you just wanna have fun with your friends.  I’ve stayed good for about 6 months or so….until today, when I went to play tennis with a friend…..

No pain whatsoever.  No catching of the joint.  No dickens.  No nothing out of the norm.  Unless you count the fact that the pain and stuff was fairly constant for such an extended period of time that it had become the norm….then today everything was out of the norm……who said what now?

I’ve beaten Modern Medicine once again with my stupidity and stick-to-itness….

Why do people insist on posting updates during fight nights, or telling me who won the big game?  I don’t go to the movies, then post on my status what the twist at the end is.  I don’t call my friends to tell them all the funny parts of the comedy I just watched.  I don’t tell everyone what I got them before they unwrap their Christmas gifts.  For that matter, I don’t tell little kids Santa isn’t real…..wait, brb, putting a tooth under my pillow real quick.  :)